My Heart Goes Out to My Mom

•May 11, 2016 • Leave a Comment

My heart goes out to my mom for dealing with my mud, especially when I was in the thick of it. It was not fun and I know that she already felt out of control because of her separation and divorcing my father. Then here comes me and “manic depression” mixed with teenage angst. Parents get your kids involved in activities so they’ll have some of that negative energy getting burned off.  Im still dealing with the effects of my parent’s mess and everyday is a struggle. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

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Dear Ex and your Anger (unjustly directed towards me)

•June 4, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Dear Ex,

You came to me, OUT OF THE BLUE, not to mention, with your long standing problems, THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME IN ANYWAY, SHAPE OR FORM, and when I asked logical questions to try and understand, and showed that I was on your side, YOU shut me down! So now, I am surprised at your behavior, but not hurt or angry with you because you are my Ex and for many reasons.

Your problems are not mine and I don’t intend on getting involved. Your immature lack of respect for me in the way you communicated, and didn’t, with me and with no apology, lets me know you are still in the same place you were almost a decade ago-still a little boy who cannot handle his stress. You have made me see, the other day, just how far I have come. How I have blossomed into a beautiful butterfly despite having bipolar disorder and all the other disarray I had in my life almost a decade ago when we were together.
You have opened my eyes to the fact that I am doing so, so well with my life. I am settled where I live, with good neighbors and a loving circle of friends and family, I remembered I don’t need your interaction anymore, your co-dependent, destructive interaction. I no longer need your half-hearted validation, manipulation or attention-that’s what you give because you are stuck in yesterday, that’s all you seem to know. You need to grow up finally.

So Ex, let this be clear to you that when you reach out to me, if you happen to again, I won’t be available. I am busy, busy being constructive, being a non-tornado (although I consider myself to only be breezy now). I am here living my life being happy, not worrying about possessions or where to put them, and I am certainly not worrying about the next person I am going to use up and leave high and dry-that’s your schtick and I don’t get down like that!

Sincerely,

Kirsten Bipoblogger

Bipolar Disorder and Denial in Different Forms

•May 31, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Most of the time, I talk about the recovery part of my being bipolar.  I don’t really address what the inside of me looks like-something similar to a ticking time bomb blowing up at various moments over and over during different situations, or just not handling situations in a constructive way.  What a horrible description, but that’s bipolar disorder, it’s how I feel and tonight I am going to air my dirty laundry about it.

My coping mechanism of choice is denial. I use denial in a couple of ways, the first being that I don’t allow myself to react how I really want to and the second being that I kind of don’t allow myself certain things so that I don’t get bipolar-carried away with it.

For example, let’s take walking down the street.  Someone is on their cell phone being obnoxiously loud and talking about things inappropriate for the general public.  My inner desired immediate reaction is to snatch the phone, stomp on it and keep walking.  Why? because I have been annoyed and there are other ways to act on the street, like being considerate of others.  Same goes for PDA’s (public displays of affection-GET A ROOM!!!)  I don’t want to see that chiz. Am I jealous of other people? No, not at all.  The fact of the matter is that I have so many thoughts running through my head and this awful ADHD, I can’t hear everything and I am more than likely trying to sort out what’s in my head.  Med adjustment? Nah, not yet, just trying to make it through to the next 30 minutes of the hour, no need to mess with the motherboard LOL.  I feel so stressed out,  this is  the way I am feeling.  So I deny myself the opportunity to blow up on someone. Denial of actions.   It’s good that I have the self control,  I didn’t used to have so much self control,  it’s been developed over the years, thank goodness.  Get burned enough times and you stop touching the flame.

Denial of manic activities is the other way I keep this under control.  The Bible has, um, everything to do with it.  “Drunkards…fornicators, adulterers will not inherit God’s kingdom…”  God does matter to me.  There was a period of time that I felt the need to give into every impulsive whim of bipolar, risky behavior, mood swings, the grandiosity-just knowing I had special powers to make stuff happen, and the spending, ugh!  So much money I have blown over the years, not a good situation.  So I deny myself the opportunity to participate in such behaviors.  I don’t want to spend any of time feeling guilty.

The only exception was my motorcycle ( when I had it)  it was good that I had a small bike cause I could only do 90mph, but still taking a risk.  Would I do that today?  No, I would not.  I feel like I have a lot to lose and I don’t want to feel guilty for doing something destructive that not only puts me in danger but others as well.

So denial is what I use for now.  I feel better getting this all out.  I don’t often say how I feel I might look on the inside, I don’t believe it is ugly per say,  but maybe not healthy-it’s bipolar, it’s an illness-my illness, I can’t run and hide from it no matter how much I wish it away.

The other thing I am doing on the inside is dancing on pointe to beautiful music.  I love ballet.  Is this a delusion?  I really love ballet so much so that I am tempted to buy pointe shoes and teach myself pointe (at the risk of breaking or tearing something).  I will talk to my therapist about it.  But in my head,  I think I am wanting to be in a dream, I know consciously, I want to be asleep for 12 hours at a time, just getting rest.  I feel mentally tired, and I am starting to feel like I am tied to the back of a runaway train again.  It seemed to have gone away for a few weeks but now the feeling is back.  Perhaps this is a shift in the part of the cycle that I am in.  It’s annoying but I know I can deal with it.  This isn’t my first or second rodeo, for that matter.

The “3am and I Am Still Wide Awake Post”

•May 28, 2016 • 2 Comments

https://bipoblogger.wordpress.com/2011/01/31/its-3am-and-i-am-still-wide-awake/

I wrote that post 5 years ago during a really hard cycle I was in.  I think I was going through a lonely period in my life and I don’t believe I had bought my motorcycle yet.  I received a comment suggesting that I revisit the post, so that’s what I am doing.  I think it’s a good idea, thank you.

During that cycle,  I was feeling mostly lost.  I had just moved into a new apartment a year prior and I believe I had a hard time adjusting to life in the new town I was in, and didn’t want to admit it at the time.  I didn’t have a lot of friends at that time either and felt mostly lost and lonely, and angry.

I remember not sleeping a lot at that time also, the cycle just had me awake.  I was still in the process of changing meds and felt pretty satisfied with the cocktail with the exception of the lingering depression.  Now I am on a cocktail of Cymbalta, Ritalin, and Abilify.  I am actually doing okay.  The Ritalin is for my ADHD and I am actually able to fall asleep at night.  I take two in the morning and by 5pm, I’m unwinding for the day, which is good because I sleep well, 9pm-5am.  I usually go back to sleep for a couple of hours which is fine considering I wake up so early.  I used to have Trazadone for depression and sleep because I would wake up every night at 2 or 3 and couldn’t get back to sleep. Sleep is truly medicine, you heal when you sleep and this regimen allows me to do that.  Do I feel depressed? I feel down, but it comes and goes.  I am hopeful about the future and that in itself is also medicine-help for the depression.

I mentioned last week that I am in a cycle,  and so far it’s been okay. Nothing destructive yet.  I have planned what I am going to do with my bedroom, since I don’t spend a lot of time in it.  I just organized it, putting away clothes and reducing the clutter,  I want it to be a real oasis that I love going into at the end of the day.  I suggest adding plants and mood lighting, not a lot of furniture, and make clothes disappear the best you can.

I went on a job interview yesterday.  It’s sounds hopeful.  I will follow up next week after the holiday since it gets really busy there around then.  It’s a sales position, that’s new to me.  The atmosphere is high stress, as are most sales jobs, but I am up for the challenge.  I think the money will be good and will allow me to fund a few necessary projects (getting ahead on some monthly bills, emptying my storage out West, getting another car and my Ninja ZX-10R.)  Not asking for a lot, but just trying to get back to my homeostasis.  (What a great word!)

Everyone has a “homeostasis”, a level in which they function.  It may be good or bad, but it’s how we survive.  I have changed my homeostasis from tornado like to breezy.  I don’t regret that.  The challenge is keeping life breezy and we are all trying to do it, bipolar disorder or not.

My therapist said something profound to me the other day.  He said, “it’s hard to separate the bipolar disorder from the person in the early stages”  it’s true.  Some say “we aren’t bipolar disorder, we have it”, I don’t have the focus to decipher but, I do agree with both because I believe they happen in different stages.

I hope everyone is having a good Saturday.  Please message me if you want,  I’ll be in today, I’m here for whomever needs support. That’s how we get through.  Thanks for reading, and be well. 🙂

Keep Communicating-Communication is Healing

•May 22, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been reading various posts and do throughout the day and I love to see the candid thoughts.  Communication is so important when dealing with this bipolar thing.  I am writing this cause I don’t have anyone to talk to in my house about this and I just want to express my appreciation in seeing all of the things us as bipolar people go through.

We all aren’t so different.

I kind of feel like a robot with bipolar, like a mutation that was created in a lab, but I know I have Adam and Eve to thank for this mess.  I believe in creation and human imperfection.  I also believe there is a True God and know that He has a plan in place to make all of this suffering go away one day.  I believe in modern day miracles and that God uses his Angels to protect us in various ways. I invite you all to ask me questions, if you want to, about my faith.  I’m not near a fanatic when it comes to religion, but I do believe.  Bipolar can have you questioning why you exist, is there really a God, does He care, and why does He allow us to suffer?  But remember, the steps are to ask Him for help, work in accord with your prayers, and He makes a way out for you.

Anyways,  I was reading through a post of mine from 2011, when I was still getting over the Ex and wow, was I an angry mess! LOL  I think I came out swinging because I had been so clouded for so long and when I ‘came to’, I was in shock at myself.  I wasn’t really beating myself up,  I was more so becoming aware of my strength, seeing the path I needed to be on, like yesterday, and just finally starting to accept that my sense of self-worth needed some fortifying.  I began to go in a really positive direction.  I was feeling joy again, despite all the hurt I had been involved with since my breakdown in 2003,  it took me 6 years of having no footing, and the last 7 years to become the person I am now, a person who tends to lean toward being stronger more now than ever.  These positive things are what I wish for others sharing this bipolar experience.  It really can and does get better.  Looking back on older posts also is like medicine and therapy.

I encourage you all to keep blogging, keep communicating and sharing.  Keep helping each other and yourselves.

It Often Feels Like I Create Most of My Stress

•May 22, 2016 • Leave a Comment

This is a post I was supposed to enter 6 years ago.  I think at the time, I was in the “I’m going to keep my eyes closed and hope for the best” part of my cycle.  Right now,  I don’t really deal with negative feelings too much.  I try not to spend more than 5 minutes at a time feeling stressed out over situations, especially ones that I have no control over.    I try not to emulate other people’s negative feelings.  It is an art to be able to not take on the negative things around you.

When you are bipolar, your feelings are so amped up and it’s hard to decipher what you should and shouldn’t be bothered by.  Learning to listen to the people who are trying to help you is hard too.  Your feelings are just so deep and convoluted nothing that is supposed to make sense really does.  You don’t find joy in anything and it’s just a miserable existence.

It gets better….if you want it to.  How do you make it better?

You have to be willing to take that darned bull by the horns!  Facing the things that cause the mental and emotional discomfort, disarray and dysfunction can be an empowering thing.  It’s all in your perception.

I am in a cycle right now.  Right now I am seeing things clearly, more clearly than I normally would and it’s okay only cause I am not doing anything destructive yet, LOL.  I’m trying to keep myself busy by writing about it (eJournaling) and putting down some constructive thoughts I can run back to when I am not feeling so hot again, my feeling down stage.

I find this gives me a point of reference and does actually help in between therapy sessions and later on down the road.

 

 

An Ex Is That for a Reason

•May 22, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I’m ashamed to admit it Kids.  The ex is back.  He’s an ex for a reason.  Maybe I am demonizing him.  Uh oh, wait a freakin minute!  First of all,  I’ve been awake since 5:14 this morning and now it’s 6:08.  I’m in a cycle and this is probably not good.  It’s funny how when you cycle,  bad things find their way back into your blasted vortex, like an out of control vacuum cleaner, no, no, more like a tornado.  I have been a walking tornado at times, for the better part of my life, for the last couple of years I’ve only been breezy, but the storm is brewing again, I can feel it, smell it, see it coming.

This is not good.

The ex represents a period of my life where I was out of control,  I mean it was a co-dependent relationship that was totally out of control and a total power struggle.  I feel like it is still like that to some degree or would be like that if I were to get back together with him.  I feel like he’s smug, no, sure of himself, overly sure.  What the heck makes him think I can just forget all the dirt he did to me?  Once bitten, twice shy!  Do I love him still? Yes, but as a person and not romantically.  I feel like I have just moved on from that level of my life, moved up.  Why?  After all the dysfunction-the waiting for him to come see me, trying to depend on him, being nervous because he would leave at any given moment, the overall lack of trust but dependent anyway-all of that was complete and utter chaos that would keep me in a vicious cycle and not able to function properly, among other things.

How I feel is like this….

I feel like I am too lazy to put in the work for a relationship right now and don’t really want to only cause I’ve been alone for so long.  I don’t really want to be in a position where I might have to constantly be validating someone, or even have to worry about their feelings.  Sounds selfish but really what it is is the fact that  I feel spent.  I am dealing with other responsibilities in my life and I just don’t have the energy.  But I’ll tell you something funny.  We went out to get some lunch yesterday and it felt very easy to be with him, almost like picking up where we left off, but the good part.  I actually enjoyed having him with me yesterday and I wanted him to stay.  BUT, I don’t feel like he’s grown up, grown past the ugliness that made us so blasted dysfunctional when we were together.  He’s a great lover, he’s into the same things I am, classic street cars, he builds them, and fast bikes.  We used to go to drag races together, he would take me on motorcycle rides with him, and he was a real good charmer, I was always impressed.  But what was funny was that my therapist asked me about the element of danger in my life and what it looked like.  We deciphered that it was bad boys and bipolar impulsivity.  Someone like my dad.  That’s the man I knew and we innately look for a mate like our parents.  The ex does remind me of my dad, respected, loved by the ladies and a walking mess with a tornado of his own inside.  I love my therapist.  He just asks me stuff out of the blue, he’s new to me, I’ve only met with him 3 times but he is awesome.  Observant, insightful, genuinely patient-all the things I wish my ex could be LOL!!!

So the ex is an ex for a reason.  He won’t really talk to me about his trysts while we were apart, doesn’t matter cause I can’t be with him anyways, it just tells me he isn’t open still.  The desire isn’t there and for me that speaks volumes to the progress I’ve made in my life the last few years I’ve been away and since we’ve been broken up- which is 7 or 8 years now, if I’m not mistaken. I don’t feel the need to take his bait as I would have in the past, or I should say just accept his manipulation, and he’s a manipulative bastard too.  Excuse the expression.  How so? He’d dangle the carrot so to speak, like for example,  I’d try to pull back from him by not calling or going to see him, so he’d talk about going somewhere he knew I would love to go, or try to engage me somehow with something he knew I was interested in.  I hated that, and because the stupid relationship was a co-dependent one, I’d take the rotten bait knowing I was selling my soul to the devil.  I didn’t care because I was going to be happy even if it meant a lack of self respect.  I am bipolar and I actually can live with the person I am today-now that my friends is what hope looks like. Being able to get to a place where you can stomach looking at yourself in the mirror for more than two seconds.  I’ve worked so hard to be able to look in the mirror for 3 seconds at time before I’m repulsed. Seriously, it took a long time to have a functional level of self respect, I don’t want to lose it, throw all of my hard work away over him.

Sorry Ex, you’re an ex for a reason.

Missing The Things You Once Loved

•May 20, 2016 • Leave a Comment

So one of the things about bipolar disorder is that it is exacerbated by constant loss, among other things.  I often, but not too often, think about the things in life that led up to my being mentally ill. (Sounds funny when you word it like that )  One thing I did love is my bike, Calista.  Small, but nimble, loud and a real looker.  This isn’t a great picture of it but I did love it. (Calista is Greek for “most beautiful”)  It was a beautiful bike, I sold it before I moved in a bipolar rush.  I didn’t wan to see the guy I loved for so long pursue a relationship with my best friend.  She couldn’t help it,  he was the problem and so was my bipolar.  Me and my bestie are still good, thank goodness, don’t need that kind of drama.

I miss working on my old Chevy Corsica too,  I had replaced the water pump, brakes, clutch compressor, radiator, battery, headlights, radio, heater core, alternator, and motor, LOL pretty much everything except for the chassis on that stupid car. I actually did the work in my driveway except for the motor, the ex did that for me, I helped a little bit, a very little bit.

Speaking of exes, I’ve known him for 12 years now.  We were together for 4, and broke up.  I didn’t see him for 7 years and just ran into him again last year.  He’s an ex for a reason, so am I.  THAT was one CRAZY relationship, co-dependent like I don’t know what!  But the crazy part is that he wants us to be together again.  I asked him why and he says I touched him like no one else has ever had.  That ‘old bipolar magic’! Poor babe.  How do I let him down easy?  I know he’d do anything for me and I would do anything for him (as a friend) too cause he’s darling, but I think that he’s the one that needed help just as much if not more than me. LOL, that sounds mean, but I’ve been in therapy long enough to treat him myself.  I think he’s feeling this “love” for me cause he’s got a deep need to rescue a girl, but why? And why me?  I don’t need to be rescued anymore for me to prove I need him,  I can show a guy I need them in constructive and healthy ways now.  I’m older and wiser and RESPONSIBLE,  I don’t need him per say, he’d just be a compliment, balance.  I think he’s holding onto yesterday’s feelings.  WOW!  I just answered my own blasted question.  Thank you WordPress!

Do I miss him? I do.  I say it with warm thoughts.  He was fun to be around and I loved when he tried to impress me, cause he did.  So yeah, I think about the things I once loved and let them be in the past, except for the motorcycle, I have to get a new one, that’s a must.

Calista

Pride and Joy