Separaration From True Normalcy

I went back and read a post from a year ago, a post of mine.  I used to be so caring and there was such a compassion there when I blogged.  1 year and month later I can absolutely see a separation, larger, from how normal I was a year ago.  It’s just more convincing for me that I really am pretending to be normal.  I see I am beginning to become more calloused and I don’t really want to be that way.  Or perhaps it’s just me entering a cycle, a bipolar one.  As a matter of fact it surely is because I have been doing things that are really on the edge lately, matching what I really feel inside. I cried the other day because the world is in such disarray, today I cried for the people in Joplin and the horrific tornadoes they have had to suffer. And it doesn’t take a lot to get the tear factory up and running lately.

I am in a cycle, it seems like they are more aggressive after I stop taking the meds. Hmmm…..

Today,  I wanted to ride my bike.  I did.  I got soaked on it too, and I had to ride for about an hour round trip in the rain.  I did what I need to do, but I really should have driven my car.  I was scared, but it was a guilty pleasure and the whole time, I was narrating the story in my head. LOL   Yesterday I rode also, 2 hours, it was cold and I was in the hills over here.  It was beautiful.  I wanted to sleep and dream about that ride, but I only had nightmares cause I have been off my medicine (the good old “I don’t need meds cause I feel better” cycle) Needless to say, I am feeling depressed again, my sleep cycle is off again, and I feel like a nut case. I just want to sleep when I should be awake and when I should be asleep, I am W-I-D-E awake, thoughts racing, eating LOL, and rehashing events in my life that I wish I could have never been in existence when they happened.

I am so guarded and calloused.  I don’t like this person.  This is such a cycle.  Sometimes I am okay with myself, maybe it’s just more that I don’t like my thoughts and feelings as opposed to who I am.  I try to keep a clear differentiation between those things.  But I feel that more and more I feel like I am really slipping away from reality and normalcy.  More and more I feel like a crazy person, when I am out I am feeling like I should be locked up, like I am going to  crumble to pieces as I walk down the street.  I guess that I am feeling vulnerable, a trait of my cycle.   I wonder what would happen if I actually charted my bipolar cycles past and present? What do yours look like?

There’s one thing that I can say about bipolar though, and I guess it’s true with any ailment you have, it can make you stronger with each trial-filled facet you experience with it.  For example,  I used to hate that people didn’t like me, now it doesn’t bother me.  (I shouldn’t say I like it, but I love it and I love that I don’t feel an overwhelming need to try to fix things,  I learned to grow out of that)  I like that I can process things like that, but will it turn me into a robot?  I hope not.

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~ by bipoblogger on May 24, 2011.

4 Responses to “Separaration From True Normalcy”

  1. Hi 🙂 I enjoyed your post. Very relatable. I am Bipolar II. I recently started a blog about it. You may like it everydaybipolar.wordpress.com

  2. Every time I run out of meds, just like every time I relapse drinking, after the crisis is over and I realize how close to death I’ve come, I remember: It can only make you stronger if it doesn’t kill you first.

    • Russian Roulette. I hate the game, I hate the players(who invented it). I try my best not to play it but
      I notice when I am in the dregs, that’s when I am really pushing it as I am too close to the edge.
      I try my best to counter the negative with the positive. Please hang in there, if not for your own benefit,
      for the benefit of those closest and most admired by you, you know what I mean.

  3. […] Bipoblogger wonders if the changes she has seen in herself are leading to Separaration From True Normalcy. […]

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