Separaration From True Normalcy
I went back and read a post from a year ago, a post of mine. I used to be so caring and there was such a compassion there when I blogged. 1 year and month later I can absolutely see a separation, larger, from how normal I was a year ago. It’s just more convincing for me that I really am pretending to be normal. I see I am beginning to become more calloused and I don’t really want to be that way. Or perhaps it’s just me entering a cycle, a bipolar one. As a matter of fact it surely is because I have been doing things that are really on the edge lately, matching what I really feel inside. I cried the other day because the world is in such disarray, today I cried for the people in Joplin and the horrific tornadoes they have had to suffer. And it doesn’t take a lot to get the tear factory up and running lately.
I am in a cycle, it seems like they are more aggressive after I stop taking the meds. Hmmm…..
Today, I wanted to ride my bike. I did. I got soaked on it too, and I had to ride for about an hour round trip in the rain. I did what I need to do, but I really should have driven my car. I was scared, but it was a guilty pleasure and the whole time, I was narrating the story in my head. LOL Yesterday I rode also, 2 hours, it was cold and I was in the hills over here. It was beautiful. I wanted to sleep and dream about that ride, but I only had nightmares cause I have been off my medicine (the good old “I don’t need meds cause I feel better” cycle) Needless to say, I am feeling depressed again, my sleep cycle is off again, and I feel like a nut case. I just want to sleep when I should be awake and when I should be asleep, I am W-I-D-E awake, thoughts racing, eating LOL, and rehashing events in my life that I wish I could have never been in existence when they happened.
I am so guarded and calloused. I don’t like this person. This is such a cycle. Sometimes I am okay with myself, maybe it’s just more that I don’t like my thoughts and feelings as opposed to who I am. I try to keep a clear differentiation between those things. But I feel that more and more I feel like I am really slipping away from reality and normalcy. More and more I feel like a crazy person, when I am out I am feeling like I should be locked up, like I am going to crumble to pieces as I walk down the street. I guess that I am feeling vulnerable, a trait of my cycle. I wonder what would happen if I actually charted my bipolar cycles past and present? What do yours look like?
There’s one thing that I can say about bipolar though, and I guess it’s true with any ailment you have, it can make you stronger with each trial-filled facet you experience with it. For example, I used to hate that people didn’t like me, now it doesn’t bother me. (I shouldn’t say I like it, but I love it and I love that I don’t feel an overwhelming need to try to fix things, I learned to grow out of that) I like that I can process things like that, but will it turn me into a robot? I hope not.
~ by bipoblogger on May 24, 2011.
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